Living At the Edge of Ruin

It’s too long a story to detail my descent from a person with assets to one without. However, suffice it to say that September 11, 2001 had much to do with it.

For several years now, I’ve chosen substance in my life over quantity. That sounds so high-falootin’ but that’s the truth. I chose to pursue my dream of writing for a living at greatly reduced income and then, when I moved to Sacramento, I chose to find a job of less prestige and position so that I could be free after hours to concentrate on my writing. I assumed that less money and less title would equal less responsibility. Silly me.

One of my greatest awakenings these past couple of years is the awareness that this is a ridiculous assumption. How did I forget the responsibility that was heaped on me when I just starting out? How could I look around at my co-workers all those years and miss the stress and strain of all they did in comparison to the pay they received? And I worked in an office. What about the low pay and lack of respect given teachers who raise our children, police officers who protect us from ourselves, food service workers who feed us and our families; the list goes on and on. In many ways, it's much easier to be the boss than the worker.

While I’m certainly not being paid poverty wages and there are so many out there that make thousands less than me, I find myself living from paycheck to paycheck. I have for four years. How tired I am of deciding if I have enough money to see a movie this paycheck or if I can afford to eat out somewhere besides the economical local Chinese restaurant. It is truly a stressor to rarely have enough money to treat myself.

I am aware that so many others are so much worse off than I. Truly I am, especially after events like the Haitian earthquake. That does not change the fact that I’ve had my fill of living this way. Getting ahead is nearly impossible under the status quo.

So, like so many others, I will spend the months ahead of me trying to find a way to better myself. To raise the money to travel, the golden ring of life for me. To build a nest egg for those emergencies which arise far too regularly for comfort. To back away from the edge of ruin.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to hold on to substance in my life while seeking just a bit more quantity. Wish me luck.