The Passive-Aggressors and How to Survive Them

You’ve run into this type, even if you haven’t known the correct name for them. Most everyone displays some kind of passive aggression, but these folks make it their “normal” behavior.

How to spot a passive aggressive type, who I’ll call Patty for this exercise:
• Look for a fake smile plastered on Patty’s face while she delivers a criticism disguised as a joke, making it more difficult to challenge her snide remark.
• Patty is almost always the last to voice their objections, after taking the temperatures of others, and usually wait until it’s too late to do anything about them to say anything. You’re already at the Chinese restaurant when she tells the group that she’s “allergic” to Chinese food.
• Patty can usually be found lying in wait until there is a crowd around to attack. There’s safety in numbers. She gets the benefit of making the other guy look like a fool, and usually walks away without the angry response she might get if she and her prey weren’t in the company of others.
• Patty is a pro at finding small ways to sabotage the efforts of others, but making it look like she’s in full support of them. Sly comments breed suspicions in co-workers or family members, undermining the effectiveness of the one in charge of a project or event.
• Basically, Patty is a poop with the skills it takes to hide that fact.

How can you handle the Pattys in your life? While, there are two tactics I’ve found that work very well, if you can manage to contain your irritation long enough.

One is to refuse to engage. When you get the “joke” comment from Patty, walk away or just look back at her as blankly as you possibly can. This will create an uncomfortable tension that is exactly what Patty has been trying to avoid by coming at you in a passive way.

The other is to rise above it all and be very direct. For instance, if suddenly, after all the decisions have been made and the reservations placed for the Chinese restaurant and you’re all sitting down to a meal Patty drops her allergy on the group, take a moment to focus on her, then ask as emotion-free as possible, “Why didn’t you say something before?” Patty will be surprised and probably fumble to find some answers that usually revolve around martyrdom like “I didn’t want to spoil everyone’s fun.” If she pulls that one out, you might want to counter with “Interesting.” That will leave her nonplussed.

Essentially, taking the invisible wind out of Patty’s invisible sails once or twice will alter her behavior because it isn’t getting the desired results.

Good luck. This may be one of the most useful life lessons I ever pass on to you.